The tao of MacGyver

            There are two men in my life who have helped to shape me into the person that I am today. One was my lovely father. The other was...MacGyver. Now, I know MacGyver is not a real person, but between my father and Richard Dean Anderson's character, on the ABC television show, MacGyver, I have learned what it is to be a decent human being. However, they have forever ruined all men for me as well. I have yet to find someone who can live up to the standards of these incredibly fine male specimens.

            Every now and then I get the sudden urge to watch me some of those episodes of MacGyver and relive the end of Generation X again. The thing is, whenever I start watching those old episodes, they become like a bag of Lays potato chips for me. You can't just have one chip and walk away. Before you know it you end up eating the whole dang bag. Today is day three of my nonstop MacGyver marathon and I just finished watching one of my favorite episodes, A Prisoner of Conscience. I'll never forget the first time I saw this episode. It was back in 1986 when I was just six years old and possibly, Richard Dean Anderson's youngest and greatest fan. I had seen every single episode up until then and refused to miss even one minute of it, even if it was against my parents' wishes. They assumed that because there was always an explosion or gunfire heard in every episode of the show, they were, logically, convinced that it wasn't appropriate for me to watch. It used to air during prime time television, so while my parents would be watching TV in their bedroom I would turn down the volume in the next room and sit two feet from the screen watching the show on high alert. I was literally at the edge of my seat. If I heard them coming to the door I would switch the channel over to ALF and pretend to be fully immersed in the furry alien that liked to eat cats. However, I would much rather kids watch non-profit, humanist, freedom fighter of injustice (all without using a gun, mind you) than some of the stuff that even Disney puts on the air these days. Girls with layers of makeup caked onto their preteen faces’, fighting over who is the most popular girl in school. At least kids could learn a little science and some critical thinking skills watching MacGyver. I'm just saying. If Hollywood was thinking of remaking another television show, they should consider MacGyver for the next generation.

            Anyway, I had become so familiar with the character on the show and the way he thought, that I was able to figure out how he was going to make it out of a situation before even he did. In this episode, MacGyver gets himself locked in a psych ward full of political crazies in an attempt to free a friend of his who has been unjustly locked away. In one particular scene, MacGyver, is tossed into one of the insane asylums and the door is locked behind him. The camera goes from a wide shot to a medium on one of the patients in the room. In the background I spot a floor lamp and think, Ooh, he could take that lamp, unscrew the bulb, smash it and use the wires in the bulb to unlock the door. About two scenes later, we're back in the room with MacGyver as he questions one of the patients, the only one of the lot that doesn't seem to belong there, and the patient asks him how he plans to get out of the room. Suddenly, MacGyver's eyes shift off-screen and I know he's looking at that lamp. Next shot, the camera zooms in on that very lamp and he runs over to it, lifts the shade, unscrews the bulb, smashes it and proceeds to unlock the door with the wires from the bulb. I was beside myself when this all panned out verbatim. My mouth had dropped down to my chin and I sat there for the two minutes it took MacGyver to do his thing and walk out of that room. I'm brilliant! BRILLIENT I tell you! I am the female MacGyver! Watch out crazy world, here I come! There's nothing I can't get myself out of! Just leave me a paper clip, a rubber band and a match and "I've got this!" Oh, boy...switching channels, "Oh Alf, you're so funny, he he."

            The thing that inspired my MacGyver marathon this time was because of an incident that happened earlier this week. I never lock myself out of the apartment. In fact, it's kind of difficult to do because one of the two locks is a dead bold that can only be locked from the outside. So, to do that, I would need my keys with me on the other side of the door. However, I do have more than one lock on the door and even though the dead bolt wasn't secure, the other lock was. In my haste to get to my car, before traffic police decided to slap me with a parking ticket, I grabbed the wrong set of keys and ran out of the apartment. As soon as the door closed behind me, I realized that the set of keys I had in my hand belonged to Dina, who was out of town for the week and entrusted her set to me so that I could cover her dog walks while she was away. I had less than five minutes to get to my car and no car keys to do it. I had to think fast and my super wasn't home at that time of the day because she babysits her grandchildren during the week. Also, I always lock all of my windows, so the fire escape was out of the question. Think, think, think Marcy. I had my wallet with me because of my driver's license, so I opened it up and pulled out the most flexible piece of plastic I had, my Barnes & Noble membership card. I slid the card between the gap in the door and gave it a little wiggle, but no budge. Dang, there was a small dead latch facing the other side of the door. It was making my life difficult with just my membership card, but it was still a spring bolt so I wasn't completely screwed. Think, think, think. Bobby pin! Pulling out the spring-like metal prongs from my hair, which I hardly ever use unless I'm home, need hair out of my face and don't care how I look, I thanked my bad hair day stars and went to work. Extending the wire I then tucked it under the latch. When I had the pin in place I quickly lifted the latch before the weight of it bent the pin useless and slid the card down at the same time. Bam! Mission accomplished! I'm in the wrong profession. What a waste of secret agent skills. Just bidding my time until the CIA realizes what a great asset I would be to them, that's all. With less than a minute to get to my car, I ran inside, swapped the keys and made it to the car...just in time. Booyah! My friends like to make fun of my MacGyver collection, but guess who they turn to when they need a makeshift this or jimmy rig that? ME, that's who! Who knows her MacGyver?